Category: Digressions

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Digressions

Four magical things happen when your parents transform into grandparents

When couples welcome children into their lives, the change isn’t just about them. The whole dynamic of parenting is extended to the new grandparents.

You are given a glimpse into when they first became parents
Let me paraphrase a line I read on a website several months ago about parenting. It goes something like “becoming a parent is like having new doors open that you never thought were there before.” It’s the same with grandparents.But in their case it is the reopening of doors that were closed when their children left the nest.

Joni Mitchell said it best – “we’re captive on a carousel of time.” Whenever my parents are with my two boys, an archive of almost forgotten memories are lifted from cold storage. Like how there’s always a serving of taho in the afternoon for snacks or how my mom would always sing and dance with me, as she now does to my boys. It’s like these memories were put on stasis and were triggered by my mini me’s.

Everything else to them is trivial (even you!)
This is funny but what’s the best way to get your parents off your back? Given them grandchildren! Nothing else will be more important after they’re out. I’ve heard this same phrase echoed by my friends who have young kids by their parents, “I don’t care what happens to you, just make sure nothing happens to my grandchildren!”

Their quality of life improves
You’ve probably read about it online, but studies do show that grandkids may be responsible for adding a few years to your parents quality of life. The company, awe, enthusiasm go both ways. What’s interesting to me is that I’m basically seeing a mirror of my childhood – the way my brother and I would hang with my parents in the bedroom at night is quite similar to how my parents do so now with the kids. And they’re both fine with keeping strict iPad time. Bless the world for grandparents, because they know how far they can go when it comes to spoiling our kids.

You experience unconditional love going full circle
When we examine the role of grandparents under the lens, we see nothing but love, wisdom and in a way, a different sort of nagging. It’s funny how I personally get reminded to do things, care of my mom but told through the mouth of my eldest son. “Dad, aba is asking if you went to mass na. Don’t forget to go to mass okay?”

This article originally appeared in the Manila Bulletin lifestyle section for September 2018.

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Digressions

This Father’s Day, give dad the three things he really wants

This piece originally appeared for the Father’s Day special of Manila Bulletin’s Mom’s and Babies section.

In the grand scheme of things, it usually seems like Father’s Day is relegated as a second-class holiday compared to Mother’s Day. Maybe it’s because fathers are more subtle, more silent than expressive and default to the “if you’re happy then I’m happy” state of being.

It is Father’s Day. And as the shops pull out their specials for new shoes, watches, and wallets for dads not much has been said for what a father really wants on his commercially-imposed holiday. “I don’t need anything” is a typical response from most dads. But they’re usually referring to material things.

Here are three things that dads want that money can not buy on their special day.

They want a day where they do not need to make choices
Luxury is relative, and in an age where we have too many choices, the best gift one can give is not having to make decisions. Decisions are made seven days a week, 365 days a year. At work. At home. “What do you think?” can always be a loaded question. When dads are forced to make decisions every hour of the day, the best Father’s Day gift you can give him is to not have him make decisions. At least for the next 24 hours.

They (secretly) want kind words of acknowledgment
Fathers are men of few words. Case in point: I’ve learned how to modulate my grunting to express different things. There is a subtlety in a grunt of acknowledgment versus reproach. But despite being men of few words, it does not mean we can not appreciate words of kindness. I remember, during our pre-Cana seminar, the priest was talking about how knowing your partner’s language of love is important. One of these languages – “the words of affirmation” is really the easiest to give, yet often not given, because people underestimate their power. There is a stigma for assuming men are too hardened for words, but deep inside the simplicity of a few kind words from your spouse and children can make your day—and acknowledge it with a grunt.

They want a moment to reflect on their legacy
I revel in being an idealist, despite how the modern world has turned out. But as they say, shoot for the stars so you get the moon. This is how I picture the ideal Father’s Day meal: together with family, having the best seat in the house so I can see everyone—wife, kids, relatives and other loved ones. It puts into perspective why we toil. Why we work late hours. Why we try to squeeze in the 20 minutes of quality time with the kids before they sleep. It is a safety stop that pulls us away. Then we can see, perhaps once a year, our lives as fathers in a single snapshot and ask ourselves why we do the things we do. It puts into perspective the daily agonies and ecstasies that life throws at us, and ultimately having your brood in front of you, all seated, eating, loud and happy makes for the perfect day.

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Digressions

Whiskey Can Be Paired with Anything, Even Lechon

There’s nothing like pairing good single malt with Pepita’s Truffle Rice Lechon.

So yeah, we were in for a treat at Mimi & Bros last night with the Glenfiddich 12, 15, and 18 year olds, all supposed to be paired with different parts of the pig. From last recall, the 12 was supposed to be paired with the skin, the 15 with the fat, and the 18 with the meat, with the tastes and texture of the lechon complementing the tasting notes of each whiskey.

I, being a dude, forgot to listen to Glenfiddich’s brand ambassador and just ate everything in three bites. Not sure if that was elegant, but I know it all ends the same way in your stomach.

Side note: I love whiskey pairing events. It’s only in these types of events where the host—usually the brand ambassador—will ask everyone to shout out their favorite brand. The evening always ends with an agreement that “all whiskeys are fantastic, but tonight let’s drink this one.”

Naturally, the 12 was my favorite, and as we journeyed to the older whiskeys hints of caramel and star anise were more prominent. But really, I’m fine with the Glenfiddich 12. It’s actually the whiskey I grab off the shelf from Changi Airport the most when friends ask me to grab a bottle for them. It’s also the most affordable of the lot. But yeah, cheap doesn’t mean “cheap.” Glenfiddich after all is the world’s most awarded single malt whiskey from the Speyside in Scotland.

This post originally appeared in MBites, by The Manila Bulletin.

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Best of Digressions

Parents, let’s not feel too guilty about screen time, OK?

Guys, I’m not a developmental psychologist. I’m a tired parent.

Let’s address the elephant in the room — the whole screen time issue with our children is a drag. The struggle is real: balancing the conflicted amount of guilt whenever we pull out the phones at a restaurant so that the kids can sit still and eat versus just having them sit and play with the food. Or that family photo that we need to curate well so that the kids aren’t looking at the phones when the picture is taken. Choose: sit and watch videos while waiting for your turn at the pediatrician or run around the hospital trying to catch them (on all fours my god)?

I’m not sure if this is how our parents felt — we grew up with television and the Family Computer. So maybe that was screen time for us? But what our parents did have was the luxury of not being judged on social media by whoop dee doo — other parents. And strangers who do not know what it is like to have a 5 year old.

Fellow parents, I say this: let’s not feel to guilty about the phone. I’ve managed to convince myself that these are the cards that are dealt to this generation, the so-called “digital natives.” And what many people forget is that they tend to isolate screen time as a problem in itself when in fact kids, by nature do get tired of the screen and would rather play outside (and get dirty). Yes my kids use the phone a lot. But i have to keep reminding myself that I have to give them two evening baths because they run around the house after dinner with their LEGO’s and dinosaurs and scooters. Or how weekends with their cousins are pure bliss — running around the park and getting scabs on the concrete pavement. So yeah, they aren’t missing out.

I do have three learnings I would like to share though.

Don’t use regular YouTube
If you do let your kids watch YouTube on the phone, use the Youtube Kids app. It’s a much safer way for them to discover content. There are a lot of disgusting people out there who release sexual content (using kiddie toys like Barbie or GI Joe) masking them as ‘Let’s Play’ or ‘unboxing’ videos which get placed in the Related Videos section and the algorithm can’t tell the difference. At the very least, the YouTube Kids app is a lot more well-curated by humans — and parents.

Switch them from passive to an active screen
When you can, “upgrade” them to video games. My eldest son (he’s 5) has discovered the wonderful world of rage quitting on the Nintendo Switch because he keeps falling off platforms in Skylanders Imaginators. There is a learning opportunity here — as I oft recall moments when I would throw the controller from sheer frustration with Mega Man for the Nintendo in the 80’s. So these father and son moments with video games are important in teaching life skills like how to deal with failure and frustration.

Sometimes we just need to ask
Last — sometimes we forget to ask our kids what they really want to do. There were times when I would mechanically hand over the phone to my eldest because I know, historically, that he wants to watch Dino Trux on Netflix. But then he tells me that he wants his crayons so he can draw The Avengers instead. I forgot to ask. Well, what do you know, right?

To end, I also have to keep reminding myself that back in the day our parents told us that MTV was bad. So were the Simpsons. And that their parents said that The Beatles were the devil reincarnated. We are part of a cycle of parenting.

This piece originally appeared in my Dad Buds column for The Manila Bulletin on May 20 2018.

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Best of Digressions

Being a ‘houseband’ for five years helped me realize the silent struggle of many mothers

Note: This column appeared in Manila Bulletin’s print edition on April 14 2018. You can also read the online version.

For the past century, modern society has relegated women as the “light” of the family — which felt more like a consolation title to having that heavy burden of rearing children and managing the home. Like most things in life, this is easier said than done and I assure you, having taken the role of a “house husband” for more than 60 months has made me empathise with how we see parenting from the mother’s point of view.

Here are three things I learned (and am learning) to accept for being a ‘houseband’ in charge of a home and two small kids for 5 years:

On having that ‘second wind’
One of the best moments coming home to family were that few seconds where my boys would run to the door and tackle me with hugs (and plastic swords). As a parent, we all know that second wind — the fatigue from a long day at work washes away when we see our family. It’s not as easy when you’ve been at home the whole day. You’re just tired. Imagine now the roles being reversed — if your wife stays home she must probably feel the same thing. Now I totally get why it’s offensive to say “But you were just home! You didn’t have to go out?” A stay-at-home parent doesn’t have an office job that acts like a vacation from the kids.

On celebrating weekends
When I got back to working weekdays full time, I became oddly excited for the weekend. My wife, who works a full-time job all the way in Quezon City (we live in the south) and I woke early (we have kids duh!) and had brunch in one of those garden malls nearby. I told her “OK now I get it. I know why you look forward to weekends.” Being a stay-at-home parent made me complacent with weekends because it felt like “just any other day” except that your spouse is home. On one end, she dug me out of the hole which was domestic life and helped me remember that married life is a lot more than just having children.

 

On having honest conversations
One evening I almost broke down in front of my wife because there were just too many things that needed to be done. Balancing my work, taking care of the kids (thank heavens for their grandparents being around when needed), chores, our marriage – this was a huge turning point that led me to really do a deep dive into what it means to handle a household and, more importantly, having a supportive partner, who I realize is on the same page. Had the roles been reversed and my wife told me the same thing I could easily have said “Kaya mo yan! You’re so good at it,” but now I know this response would have come from a place of zero empathy. My wife asked me “how can we make it better?”

Are you a stay-at-home dad? Then kudos to you! Because at the end of the day, there’s nothing like having a home with a father’s touch!